GIT SUM

Adam and Eve were hanging out nude in the Garden of Eden. They were the "first people" but there were other people around too because Homo Sapiens-sapiens evolved as a group, not as two individuals that were created by a single, omnipotent, white god.
So, there were some other people around and everyone was in their birthday-suits' and even though Adam and Ever were an item, when Adam was out naming the animals and talking to God about the book God was going to commission some poor-ass dudes in the middle-east to write after they met God's son in 3,000 or so years (the bible says the earth is 5,000-something years old, "0" AD was 2,000 years ago, do the math) Eve would sometimes get-down with some of the other dudes who were hanging out around the garden. Adam was pretty oblivious to Eve's free wheelin' ways until one day when he came back from telling the Marine Iguanas that they were called "Marine Iguanas" early, and caught Eve "communing with a serpent".
Adam got all jealous and emasculated (when I say "serpent", I'm talking PYTHON) and Adam's bitch-ass was all, "I'm telling God on you Eve".
But Eve had a bunch of endorphins flowing from the vigorous cardio she had just been engaging in and she invented the "baby, don't go, I never meant to hurt you" line on the spot.
Adam was totally disarmed and unable to deal with the emotions he was experiencing, so when Eve took him by the hand and brought him over to where she had been - biblically - "getting to know the snake", he was in a really fragile state and totally receptive when she said, "Just relax and go with it..."
So Adam and Eve and this other guy invented the menage au trois and just when it was getting pretty hot and heavy, and Adam was starting to open up to the idea that sexuality exists as a continuum - not a binary - God showed up and saw them and got super pissed.
"Adam, what the fuck? I thought we were cool man, then you go and turn fag on me? You KNOW I hate gay people."
Adam totally pussied out and tried to make some wimpy excuses, but Eve wasn't the kind of woman who tolerated that kind of weak shit. She also didn't sit for the kind of bigoted bullshit God was all up on his high horse about, so she called him out on his shit.
"Hey old man, lay off. Just who do you think you are? What the fuck did you think we were going to do with these perfect, youthful, nude bodies of ours? We didn't ask to virtually loose all our body hair and walk upright. We didn't ask to share common ancestors with great apes that evolved from proto-mammals, that survived the comet that killed the dinosaurs, that evolved from gnarly sea-monsters, that evolved from bacteria, that jolted to life abioticly in a primordial sea after the earth was done accreting 4.6 billion years ago from heavy elements, that had been created in the hearts of dying stars, that originated as hydrogen and some other lighter elements after the big bang, which happened because the..."
All the while that Eve was talking God was getting more and more pissed and finally he blew his stack and just lost it,
"You think you're so smart, don't you Eve, don't you. I'll show you how smart you are, KAZAM!"
And he threw Adam and Eve out of the garden and told Adam to make Eve clean the house and do the dishes and only receive 70 cents on every dollar that Adam made and to beat the shit out of her whenever she said anything interesting or tried to empower herself.

That's the story of Adam and Eve.

Post Script: The best part of the story comes later when Eve figures out how to clone male reproductive cells from female StemCells and Adam - true to form - shits his pants.